Internet Meet Up
Once again I set off to disregard everything that every American tea-time drama had ever taught me; I was on a journey to meet strangers from the internet. Don't try this at home.
People often forget about the light-hearted side of war; the kids on tanks.
In a bid to turn attention away from her hideously tall body this woman wore bright and strange clothing. It fooled no-one, we all knew she was tall. A tall and grotesque specimen of humanity.
Did you know that I've never arrived at this set of lights without the man being green? That's not a lie, it really is always green. I can't help but feel that one day these lights will somehow bring about my premature death.
Take this Welsh, stick it in your pipe, light it, smoke it and forget it. You'll never need to use it.
I entered into a battle of minds, will and moral fibre with this man. He wanted me to sign up for crazy student things, but I didn't buckle. I'm barely a student, let alone crazy. Sadly he got the final punch in by giving me the most expensive ticket. You really do have to say cheapest ticket these days otherwise they fuck you over. I was paying £13 a day to get to Swansea on the train when I first moved to Cardiff, because they don't care to mention that there a £4.90 return ticket. It's greed gone mad.
Here's my ticket. The bus driver wouldn't accept it, so I had to get a boarding pass. It was at this point that I realised that all of my photos were coming out blue, because I had messed around with the white balance like a modern day Steven Spielberg.
I arrived in Newport and caught in my camera's vision the biggest waste of bridge I've ever seen. There can not be one sensible reason for that big white monstrosity.
I don't know what that red thing and this is only speculation, but I don't see how that thing is not a desperate attempt at aStargate. Typical Newport, if it doesn't say "Don't try this at home" at the start of the programme you can guarantee that they'll try it at home.
I got to reading. Superman For All Seasons. It's very good. I believe it's what inspired the Smallville tv show.
I don't know if I like Tim Sale's art. It's good for the rural Smallville stuff. He does all of the paintings in Heroes, the ones by Isaac the heroin man. Now that I think about it, I've only just realised that of all the drugs they could have picked
they chose heroin because it sounds like heroine. Jeph Loeb, the writer, also writes some of Heroes. God bless Heroes.
I finished For All Seasons and went straight into Kingdom Come like a madman. God bless Kingdom Come, one of the greatest things your eyes could ever see.
What a face! I don't know if I'd ever change my face if I could. It's not a very good one, but it almost does the job.
Phew.
I pranced around Victoria tube station breathing in the people like a fish breathes in water.
After many things happened, such as going to a pub with a tree in it, I finally arrived at the right pub. Nobody told me that they'd changed pubs. They hate me, you see. Anyway, I got into the right pub and saw a big fan.
And the people who write the fan-journals. Ha, suckers.
As part of a long and drawn out practical joke Burt inflated a Whoopi Goldberg cushion.
And planted it under Maru's sitting seat.
I began to drink pints of Stella and before I knew it I was wearing sunglasses. Indoors!
Rocko got her passport out to show us her photo with claims and cries of "I wasn't a prostitute when I was younger". People make mistakes and I'm not one for judging. I do not judge.
Soon I had jewels on my fingers like a princess. Or a Chincess, if you like. Ha, chincess.
Chaino began to blow bubbles. Yes, there are jokes about Michael Jackson to be made, but the guy's been through a lot, give him a break, for christ's sake. And Chaino's nothing like Michael Jackson anyway.
Then Chaino started sticking chocolate buttons to his face to make himself brown. See, the exact opposite of Michael Jackson. Now let's stop talking about Michael Jackson, please, he's had a rough time and doesn't need the likes of you making things worse. Chaino is nothing like Michael Jackson.
Can Michael Jackson lick his own elbow? No, of course not.
I took a photo of a photo in case the original photo became destroyed in a fire.
There were claims that my ear had become completely transparent like glass or water, or to a lesser extent, a glass of water. I doubt it had and I was undergoing a series a practical jokes and/or suicide enducing bullying.
Kingo drank some Guiness, black Guiness as black as his soul.
A few days ago I was thinking about my wrist and how I would like to wear something on it, something less practical than a watch, but more useful than a scar, maybe something like this. I now had a chance to try it out.
The mirror in the toilets were suspiciously similar to how I imagine mirrors in the year 2097.
We left the pub at something o'clock and went to a money house.
Calpol did some stealing in the background and Rocko did some facing in the foreground.
After what seemed like one thousand English winters we finally got a table, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough, I tell you.
There were many things available for eating. If I had lost my mind I would have ordered the fish lip and duck web. The menu didn't really come in the style of a Star Wars intro, it's just the angle.
The food came, arrived and appeared all at once. I had chicken with some sort of chilli thing. Quite hilariously something I ate was so hot that I had never experienced something so hot before and thought that I was dying.
The oranges came. God bless the oranges. There were enough oranges to have too many oranges left over after everyone who wished to eat an orange had eaten some orange.
People with the ability to retain information in memory form will recall that I said that they gave us a table, but it wasn't enough. This was the short and long term solution, an extra table joined on. Like some sort of hooligan I accidentally smashed that wine glass, because my hands were drunk. The waitress told me to "be careful". The more I think about it the more I think that may be the best advice I have ever been given. I'm sure she was only talking specifically about me breaking the rest of the glasses, so I don't want to give her too much credit, but "be careful" can be applied to so many things in my life; crossing roads, reheating chicken, sharing needles. It's like she saw into my soul.
There's surely some joke to be made about the Godfather or gumshields or something. If anything I'm spoilt for choice. Too spoilt. So it's my web site and I'm not going to say anything, because I can do whatever I want.
Bloody sunglasses indoors again like a madman.
The bill came and I honestly can't remember if I paid. Knowing my mind I'd say that there's a 99.9% chance that I would have. The money had definitely gone from my wallet, but I may have given it to a homeless. Knowing my mind I'd say that I probably killed that homeless.
We left. Left the restaurant. Which one? This one. Looking back on the whole affair I said the word Chinaman 400 times, which was probably a bit excessive.
We set off on our journey, but Deatho stopped to buy some tobacco-batons.
I was told to hold this. Luckily I didn't smoke it, because I don't smoke.
We got on the bus, but this this one. Oh, not this one.
Deatho drank some Diet Coke. He does that.
We arrived in Bethnal Green. I won't tell you which number out of respect for Burt.
Immediately we broke into rival factions, the music makers and the music haters.
We practiced for an hour or two, familiarising ourselves with the recording equipment and various instruments. We were not confined to just traditional instruments and, if anything, the instruments just held us back.
And so it began, we set about recording the EP. I played the guitar on all the tracks except "Sitting Down" it was this track that I brought out a traditional Star Wars background on the Keyboard whilst Deatho played the guitar. Vocals and Keyboarding on the other tracks came from Chaino and Rocko whilst Burt engineered the whole thing. In many ways I don't know how to play the guitar and I'd never played an electric one before, so I was fairly surprised when I discovered that I was the greatest guitarist of all time, even though I'd always suspected it.
Three of the songs can be heard here: http://www.myspace.com/theanimatedlovemonkeys
I slept my head at around six and when I opened my eyes again it was half eleven in the morning and many people had fled for their lives, such was their fear of the music. Burt, Chaino and I set off in search of eating food.
We had every reason to believe that such food could be bought in this place, even though the eggs in the menu photos appeared to be photoshopped on.
If there's a better metaphor for my life than a cup of tea then I don't wanna hear it.
They gave us enough toast to feed a thousand kings.
I didn't order from the set menu, because that's not how I roll. I used my deep understanding of my own personal tastes to select what I believed my body and brain wanted to eat.
Look, mom! All gone! Whadya want? A medal? Ged oudda here.
We went to a very strange market place. I'd never quite seen anything like it. Some of the street signs weren't even in English.
I left Burt and Chaino and went exploring. I discovered this thing. Whether or not I was the first person to ever find it I cannot say.
Not all of it, my dear. Not all of it.
There's actually a real life bear inside that suit. The shop owner said he wasn't a "convincing or believable" bear. I suppose he was right. Bears rarely look like bears in real life.
Like a tourist.... On acid! I pretended to be a tourist and took a tourist photo.
Early studies suggesting that Egypt was originally overun and possibly ruled by a species of giant cat have been widely discredited in recent years.
If there's one thing I hate looking at more than statues it's fucking pottery.
I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.
Bloody hell, you'd think someone would have cleaned that up by now. If I had to guess I'd say the butler did it.
Now there's a man who has just done ten pills if I've ever seen one.
I won't lie to you, I have no problem with decorative palettes.
Imagine living out your death being constantly gawped at by Chinamen from China. That's no life for anyone.
To be honest, I'm pretty sure that the British Musuem is quite rubbish. I haven't seen all of it, because I always run out of time, but you know something's not right when your favourite bit is the big white entrance hall. It's so big and white.
Jump! Jump! Jump!
They didn't jump. I ran away to Victoria Coach Station. Many people pestered me when I was sitting down waiting for the coach. "Can I have your travel card?" they'd cry, each one more foreign than the last. I like giving my travelcard away, because it's the closest I'll ever come to buying crack. Anyway, I went back to reading Kingdom Come. It's very pretty and has Superman with a beard. What more could anyone ask for? Travelcards, I guess.
This seems as good as place as any to end. Even though all sorts of stuff may or may not have happened afterwards. All I can be sure of is I got home and didn't have a kebab pizza.
posted by batteriesfeelincluded |
9:42 pm
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