The Club

WARNING: Joining The Club will almost certainly not improve your life. Almost certainly.

Hello. Welcome. Take a seat. Stand. Make yourself at home. Do whatever feels natural. Except that. I must ask that you do not do that.

The world is filled with clubs. Yes, clubs. In fact, there are too many clubs and the world doesn't need any more, especially this one. Sadly it is beyond my power to put a stop to this, so I might as well go along with it.

Most clubs have a purpose, even night clubs. People join a golf club because they want to play golf. I probably shouldn't have used golf as an example, because there are two kinds of golf club, which could cause confusion inside the mindsof the easily confused. I pray that everyone knows which type I'm talking about. I won't insult your intelligence by spelling out that you are not joining a metal stick designed for hitting balls. Others join a book club to be united with people with a similar interest; books. There are some who will join a social club for fear of a life without social contact, a life where every day becomes the same and all you can do is cry. People who own the same make of car will often think that they are in some sort of club. They'll beep their horns and wave as the cars drive by, but I'm not sure if that counts as a club. If it was up to me I would declare it a non-club. I'm sure you get the idea, there are lots of different types of club, most of which benefit the members and bring people together through a common interest.

This club does no such thing. No, sir.

Some clubs are have membership requirements. Yes, they do. You may need to be a certain age, earn over $40,000 a year, have black skin like a black man, have an extensive knowledge of Star Trek: The Next Generation season one. You get the picture (there isn't an actual picture, please do not e-mail me asking for it), clubs can be too picky.

This club is no such thing. No, sir. We are not elitist, everyone is welcome. Even you!

The question you're probably wondering is why would anyone want to join this club? The answer is simple, nobody should want to join this club. You will gain nothing from doing so, just a name on a list, and my dad didn't die in Nam so we could all get our names on a list.

There are one million membership places available in the club and once they are all taken no more members will be allowed. Ask yourself this, would you want to risk not being in the club when you could very easily be in it? I hope that this thought doesn't fill you with fear. I'm certainly not trying to scare you into joining.

When I said that members gain nothing from joining I wasn't be strictly true, you get your name on the list and the knowledge that you are in The Club. You'll be able to sleep sound at night. That's not to say that you won't sleep well if you're not in The Club.

You may be wondering why I would want to start a club with a million members. It is simply my desire to know that across the world there are a million people who share nothing in common except being on the list. Your next door neighbour could be a member, your own mother could have joined the night before you and you'd never know. I'm not saying that rule one of The Club is "You don't talk about The Club". I'm realistic and know that people will talk. They always do, but there's no secret handshake, no ancient ring or password that will reveal a fellow member. There's just the list.

Imagine the joy you could feel if you ever met someone and discovered that they were also a member. I can make no promise that you will feel joy, you could just as easily feel an incredible sense of doom. I just don't know. What would happen if you did meet someone? This isn't a secret Freemason type society where other members will scratch your back. Not even literally. Unless they did, of course. It's not my job to tell the members to do favours for fellow members, just as it is not my job to tell them not to. Anything could happen. I wouldn't be surprised if one of you met another member and he or she gave you a free house. I would be equally unsurprised if one of you met another member and was brutally murdered by them. There's just no guarantee of what could happen. Once again I cannot claim that membership to The Club will give you a free house or a brutal death.

So how does it work? Well it's quite simple, you give me £1, your name and your date of birth and within seven days your name will be on the list. Each member will be given a number depending on the order in which they joined. However, there is no hierachy. The person who joined first is just as equal as the person who joins last.

So why not join today? Why be not in The Club when you could be IN The Club? Why risk it? What have you got to lose? A pound? Ha, I'd give you a pound just to join. Please note that I will not give you a pound.

The List